Beyond the Shadowlands

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2021 Goals

New Year, new me! That’s the goal anyways isn’t it? We make resolutions to go to the gym more, spend less time staring at a screen, or spend less money on fast food. But a month or two into it we quit. Why? Because our goals are too big. Or rather, they need to be broken down into tangible, manageable steps that are easily obtainable and understandable.

My goals this year are:

Be more organized
Focused
Productive
Selfless
Continue personal growth

I limited myself to 5 goals, but as you can tell these are not tangible. I broke down these 5 goals into manageable and graspable goals.

Organization

I used to use a planner in grad school, but have since quit. I plan to pick up my planner again and write down work schedules, schoolwork, chores, and social events. I also plan to use my journal daily to structure my day and allot time for each of my tasks. I’m making sure to give myself spare time in case things come up. I’m giving myself grace if I fail to follow my schedule, otherwise I will quit doing it.

Focused

I’m reading a book called Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience which explains how to enjoy and focus on any activity in life. I plan to play video games less and decrease the amount of time on my phone. Scheduling my days helps me make sure time does not get away from me. Finally, I want to focus on being present in the moment and enjoy the time God has given me on this earth.

Productive

In grad school I was having a hard time being physically, mentally/emotionally, and spiritually healthy. My counselor laid out a series of things he needed to get every day to be healthy and I followed his example. These essential things are: Sunshine, exercise, water, meditation,reading, working, and leisure. For my personal use I added writing and time with God.

Selfless

I am an introvert so if I’m not careful, I spend all of my time away from work or school alone. We live in an age of isolation which is harmful for us. I am going to schedule time every week to be social as well as mindful and open to those who need help and comfort. I want to make time for them. Becoming more selfless will benefit myself as well as others.

Continued personal Growth

This is a given. We should never stop striving to grow. There are many ways and different areas in life to improve, but this year I want to focus on a few specific habits. I want to become more joyful. I can do this by starting up a thankfulness list again. In every situation in life I can ask myself the question: How can I learn from this? How can my actions now benefit others? I also want to become fearless. I want to identify my fears and run towards them instead of away. Growth comes through discomfort. I also want to continue to grow closer to God. I want to do this by continuing to meet with my mentor and Bible study group every week. I want to commit to going to church regularly. I want to spend time daily with God.

I want to examine my goals monthly at least, if not weekly. I will use my journal to explore these things more in depth and tweak anything that is not working. I want to remain flexible for life’s twists and turns.

How about you? What are your goals for 2021? I’d love to hear about them in the comment section below.

New course/Website

I have begun to write an E-course on reconstructing faith. I had to create a paid website for this course. I have transferred my posts from here eventually over to that website. I hope to improve the general look of everything as well. If you’re interested in the course and future blog posts come on over and check it out at kendallmccullough.com

My younger years – Senior year of High school through college

My senior year of high school was the happiest time of my life since childhood, maybe even ever up to that point. Everyone at KPA was a little odd and quirky. We all embraced our weirdness. We enjoyed being together and having fun. My basketball coach was able to get our team into a private school basketball league and I convinced my 6’3 friend to play.

Our basketball team enjoyed a lot of success. My 6’3 friend Ryan and I scored around 16 points a game and we won a lot of games. It was KPA’s first year playing competitive basketball and no one had any expectations of us. In the tournament we went all the way to the final four. It was exhilarating! It was a nice redemption story after the difficulties I faced up to that point.

After my senior year I chose to go to college at Lubbock Christian University. I couldn’t imagine leaving Lubbock and everyone I know chose LCU over Texas Tech. To be honest, Tech seemed very scary to me as it was large and secular.

I eventually chose to become an English major because I loved reading and writing, but I didn’t really know what I wanted to do. I also chose not to join a social club because it seemed immature to me at the time. I wanted to choose my friends and hang out with them when I wanted to. Growing up never fitting in and never really being part of a group influenced me strongly.

I enjoyed LCU, but I also was jaded. I felt like most people hadn’t experienced much hardship in life and was shallow. I was judgmental and guarded. I also realized after my freshman year that its very hard to make friends and be social without being in social club. I was lonely once again, but at least I wasn’t getting bullied now. I had a girlfriend my sophomore year, but we both had emotional and communication issues. We had codependent relationship and it only lasted a few months.

My senior year I had a 15 page research paper to do with a 30 source annotated bibliography. I had so much anxiety and procrastination that I developed a shake in my hands. I started going to counseling at LCU. My counselor taught me meditation which did help me. I ended up being able to present my paper well, but I didn’t actually finish it until the summer after graduation.

I graduated in December 2014. I felt so anxious and traumatized that I spent the next semester at my parent’s house not really doing anything. In the summer I worked at Summit Ministries for half the summer as a staff member. I made friends with another staffer, but had trouble connecting with the staffer group at large. There was some misunderstanding my friendship with this girl and I felt misunderstood and discouraged.

I didn’t really know what to do in the next stage of my life. My Mom suggested grad school to become an English professor. I didn’t have a better idea so I applied and was accepted at Baylor. Seemed like an open door so I decided to go. Next post I will go into my experience in grad school leading up to my Awakening which will catch me up with my past writing on my blog.

My childhood – Childhood to High School

In 4^th grade I started attending a new private school called kingdom preparatory academy. I felt lonely at home and wanted friends. The school was unique in that it was a college prep school. Students went to school Tuesdays and Thursdays and took home work to do on the other days. This was good for me because I was severely ADHD and struggled to sit still up till now. There was only one boy in my grade and he did not want to be friends. I also did not like a boy in a higher grade. So I continued in my loneliness.

Because of the relationship I had with my parents I had a lot of self-esteem issues and social anxiety. The friendless situation at school compounded this factor. I did improve my focus in school over time. I really enjoyed subjects like English and History. I continued going to KPA.

In junior high we started a basketball team which I joined. During that time we had a few new boys join KPA and the basketball team. These were troubled boys who bullied me and I sat on the bench most of the time every game. Again, I was lonely and my self-esteem was brought lower. I was depressed. Life sucked in my eyes.

After junior high, I resolved that I would not let bullies get me so down. I decided to go to public school to be in a basketball program. Wow! Public school was a different animal. So many kids had a very screwed up home lives. I took that for granted before. Not everyone was Christian and there was a lot of bad things happening. For the first time in my life I had to choose my faith and not just follow the crowd. And I did choose it. I also got out of my depression after realizing how blessed I was.

But again basketball was tough. The one thing besides reading on my own that I really enjoyed, my sanctuary, was again my hell. Many of the basketball players had rough lives themselves and they took it out on me. I hadn’t been in competitive basketball before and my skill level was beyond most everyone else.

They told me I sucked. They said I would never be any good. That I would never be any good in life. That I was weird and a loser. I did my best to tune them out. I didn’t fight back. But its very tough when I felt like the outcast and struggled on the court as well. My past had already trained me to believe that I had very little worth and would not do well in life. Thankfully, I had two really good friends who were kind to me and we always hung out.

Eventually I got cut from the team my junior year. My parents found out that KPA had found a coach and started a real basketball program. So I returned to KPA the second half of my junior year of high school. I played a few games and had some fun.

Next post I go into my senior year and then onto college.

My childhood – Early years

My counselor graciously read my awakening experience story. He wanted to know what events led up to my experience. Who was the Kendall up to that point? So I’ve decided to write about my life from birth, albeit a much more broad and zoomed out version of my life than I’ve talked about so far.

I was born in Houston in 1992. My parents were 22 and 21 and in college at the time. I was the firstborn of three sons. We moved to Lubbock the following year and that’s where I grew up. As a child I loved to have fun. I had a lot of energy. My Mom babysat and we would dig with spoons in the dirt, making tracks for our hotwheels. My brothers and I would ride our bikes around the neighborhood all the time without our shirts on. I always went around barefoot. I hated shoes.

I liked to play with legos and build castles and robots. I really loved the middle ages and would have pretend wars with my toy warriors. I also loved to read. In 2^nd grade I read the chronicles of Narnia and didn’t look back. Fiction, especially fantasy captured my imagination and opened me up to worlds that I never knew were possible. I was homeschooled when I was young. Though I had a brother 2 years younger than me and one that was 6 years younger, I was lonely. Books helped a lot, but I wanted friends.

My parents were also very hard on me as the firstborn. They expected me to be a little adult, and behave well. While I loved having fun with the kids my Mom babysat, they also riled me up. My mom would give me a spanking, but that would only increase me being upset and I would often get two or three spankings. My dad’s spankings when he got home were the only ones that really scared me though.

I learned to watch my parents. I learned to watch for my Dad’s unpredictable anger. I never knew what was going to set him off and what I would do wrong next. I became very fearful and unconfident. But it was a complex life. My parents still very much loved me. My Dad and I would often wrestle when he got home. My mom patiently homeschooled me even as I could not sit still or focus. All of my physical needs were provided for and I had a community in extended family and church.

I also loved God. When I was 8 years old I felt close to God, but wanted to know him closer. I felt pure at that time and that it was a good safe time to be baptized. I read the Bible and prayed to God. Yet I also transferred my understanding of God from my understanding of my father. I thought I had to be a certain way to be worthy to have a relationship with him. I felt very ashamed when I sinned and thought I had to do a lot of penance to make up for it. I thought that a true relationship with God required reading the Bible, prayer, journaling, etc. every day. I would exhaust myself and then give up. I would go about my own ways for a while, but felt empty. I would then come back to God and try to live up to his standards. This was a vicious cycle that I repeated over and over.

In the next post I will talk about starting to go to private school in 4^th grade.

What is left to be said?

What is it to be written, what is to be said

When all words are a symbol of red

The heart cannot be captured, the soul expressed

But only experienced, with every breath to be had

I get so tired, of trying to be bred

Bred to act, bred to respond

By every drivel that we are fed

All that there is, all that is to be had

Lies in the still, sweetness of dread

Dread that there’s more, that what is is not

There’s something inside, that seeks to be wed

Wed to the dirt, wed to the suffering

Our souls tell us more, we give it no cred

But when it comes down to it

There’s nothing left to be read.

Oneness, that’s all that is left

No me, no you, no Ted

Nothing left to be said.

The Disappearance of the universe review

I read this book to prepare to read the Course in Miracles. Two spirits appeared to the Author, Gary Renard and taught him the basics of the CIM. The beliefs of the CIM is that human collective consciousness created the universe out of a sense of shame, believing they were separate from God and he was angry about it. But our spirits can never be truly separate from the Spirit of God. We’re living in a dream supported by our egos. All of our attachments to this world is our ego trying to stay alive. God is above all things and in all things. The universe does reflect him. The physical is not evil per say, but our ultimate reality and goal is the disillusion of the ego and becoming one with God. Until we can work through our Karma, our lessons to heal us from our ego, we will continue to reincarnate into physical bodies. However, we mostly forget these past lives because our conscious mind could not handle it or function well in our current life.

If this sounds out there and hard to swallow trust me, it was a lot for me at first. I had to read and wrestle with all of the previous books I’ve read before coming to a place where I could accept this book at least a little bit. I felt a lot of guilt and shame over how big my ego was and all of my attachments to this life. All of my dysfunctional coping and defensive mechanisms became more apparent. But the more I read the book, the more I started seeing myself from my true divine spirit, One with God, instead of seeing myself from my ego, exposed and naked, scared of its annihilation.

The book talked about how there’s really only two states of being, Love and fear. Our true self is pure love and ego is pure fear. The book talks about Oneness, we are all one in God. We should view everyone else as apart of ourselves and practice radical forgiveness. What bothers ourselves about others is something we need to forgive and resolve in ourselves. Why does this bother us? How can we view this person from the divine perspective and see the divine within them?

The book also believes that dysfunction, including physical, resides primarily from the mind. Resolving mind dysfunction often solves physical problems. That’s not to say we shouldn’t use physical means of healing. Our ego often needs these methods to convince ourself.

In Summary, this book helps us to see the world from the perspective of Oneness. We still live in a world of duality and should be aware of this. But we’re missing the full and ultimate perspective if we do not see life originating from the mind. Kill the ego and awaken to your true self, one with God. The more we can do this, the more we can act out of love instead of fear.

I’m looking forward to reading the Course in Miracles and writing posts about my reflections on it.

Yearning

This longing inside of me gnaws like a hungry dog on a naked bone

The meat is gone

All that is left is the lingering taste in the mouth

But it was hours ago when consumed.

The bone is not much company

Yet is that true?

Does my body play tricks on me?

Am I really hungry or is it lust for flavor

If I connect with my gut, I know I’m full

I can always be full when I connect with myself.

For myself is a part of the whole.

Deep inside is meat forever

Cured, smoked, and flavored in infinite variety

Hunger is when I forget that I’m already full.

External solutions don’t last

Stillness, being, inner focus

Are the keys to unlock my fullness

Moving into a new stage of consciousness

Recently I read Dolores Cannon’s 3 Waves of Volunteers. Cannon was a past life regressionist psychotherapist who helped people resolve problems in their life by connecting it with struggles in their past lives. However, she found that many people had not had past lives on earth but volunteered to come help advance the consciousness of the Earth because we’re at a dangerous precipice. The precipice is the development of the Atomic bomb and the threat of us destroying the Earth altogether. These volunteers either came from God (or source) as individuated souls or were aliens in previous lives.

After I read the book and did some research I realized that the belief in the book was widespread in the New Age movement. They believe that the earth is shifting to a new stage of consciousness and we can monitor that shift through the Schuman Resonance (Earth’s heartbeat). They have formed an interesting alliance and shared belief with the Qanon movement.

All of that is a lot to take in and believe. While I’m not sure I buy all of it I do see some truth in it. If we look at things from a Spiral Dynamics perspective American culture has been in stage 5, rationalistic stage for quite some time. While we have had the hippie movement, a shift to stage 6 (post-modern), a movement that has evolved into the New Age movement today, our country is run by stage 5. I find it hard to imagine a governmental structure that works well with stage 6 and think that developing stage 7 leaders is our way forward.

I think most people can agree that we’re starting to see the cracks in capitalism and that something needs to change. People are recognizing old un-loving attitudes and beliefs in religion and choosing to grow within or reject their religion altogether. Many have come out of Evangelical Christianity to Progressive and we’re now seeing the Emerging church.

We’re seeing that the medical, business, education, and political models are propelled by money and power instead of actual care of people and our country at large. We’re seeing corruption and dysfunction. Many our burned out.

But there’s also hope and glimpses of change. The self-help movement is starting to venture into spirituality. Psychology has proven the health benefits of meditation, yoga, and psychedelics (though this last one still has many variables). Hollywood and now Silicon Valley business has begun embracing these things. Gurus abound on the internet, bringing Eastern wisdom to the West (plenty of corruption abounds as well). Elon Musk is leading the charge in thinking from a global perspective on how to advance society, technology, and the globe at large.

The internet has brought attention to worldwide issues. This can inundate us with negativity and everyone is learning to balance news with positive real life living, but there is good things coming out of this. The war between Russia and Ukraine is perhaps teaching the world a better way to wage war – economic crippling. Time will tell if this is effective and stops future wars and excessive bloodshed.

Joe Rogan is leading our country forward on free speech in inviting people of opposing views to have a healthy (usually/mostly) discussion instead of people shouting past each other like we’ve so grown accustomed to in the news media. Finally, an intriguing future is being envisioned by some. The book The Singularity is Near is a transhumanism vision of AI’s performing many of societies jobs and thereby freeing us from being so controlled by money and power. I have not actually read the book, but I plan to read the sequel coming out in 2023.

There’s a lot of negativity, suffering, and unknown. There may even need to be a systematic crash before things get better. But I do have hope that they will and that it will be sooner rather than later. Let’s all pray and do our part in working on ourselves and loving others.

Modern Mystic

When you’re born you have a family. This family has a belief system. At some point as you grow, you will begin to think about these beliefs and if you want to adopt them as your own. Your relationships with your parents, friends, religious/spiritual association, school, culture, etc. all affect how you perceive these beliefs. No man is an island.

I was born into a Christian family. I grew up going to church. I lived in the Bible belt. The majority of people I knew identified as Christian. I read the Bible and thought about theology a lot. I read Christian fiction and non-fiction books. I listened to Christian music. But I knew there was something off about the Christianity I knew.

In college I thought about becoming a Bible major but decided against it. I believed that if I started studying theology, I would learn a lot intellectually, but felt that it would not help my emotional relationship with Christianity, God, and other people. Those things seriously suffered growing up no matter how hard I tried to be a good Christian.

In grad school I worked hard on my emotions and relationship with God. I worked hard to improve my outlook on life. My brain had been feeding me negative thoughts and emotions as long as I could remember and it seriously hampered my ability to function well at times.

If you’ve read my other blog posts you know the rest of the story. I had an awakening and much later spiritual journey to understand and integrate my awakening. I have gone down a very unorthodox path.

These days I hold onto my beliefs less firmly. All I know for sure is that God is love and that we will all return to this love at some point. I have fun trying to figure out how that makes sense in light of my experience (which is all we really have in life).

I don’t think labels are as important anymore. They help people identify with each other. But I also see the dangers of tribalism. Our labels can lead us to assume a simple understanding of our complex experiences and beliefs. This can become a check-list of deciding who’s in and out of the group based in a set of belief statements.

However, some people still want to know your label. So if I had to label myself I’ve settled on “modern mystic.” Mystics are people who believe strongly in Gnosis or direct experience with God. Theses experiences help us get out of our analytical left brain. Our understanding goes beyond language and intellectual structure. We still use words to try to explain theses experiences, but we know these are always inadequate simplified symbols of our direct experiences.

Why the modern part? Because we live in an exciting time where science is starting to connect with spirituality. Quantum physics is starting to upend the scientific belief in materialism as the foundation for reality. Psychology is beginning to understand the powerful benefits of meditation. Psychologists understand that people aren’t just brain chemicals but have different parts of the psyche such as the body, ego, conscious, unconscious, and superconscious parts of the mind.

So I’m a modern mystic in the sense that I try to connect science and intellect the best I can with the ancient mystic practices of direct experience. I strive to strike a balance between contemplative practices that give me space for quiet connection to the divine and reading books & talking with other wise spiritual seekers to clarify our understanding of truth.

I have decided that I won’t reject my heritage. I still want to help Christianity to a less legalistic, more loving, experiential, contemplative, nuanced place. I know that many people in my church can still teach me a lot about patience, simplicity, and love. But I know longer identify necessarily as a Christian or hold to many modern Christian beliefs.

I have done a lot of work battling with myself on my beliefs, anxiety, and struggles with my parents. But I am maturing more and more to a place of peace, acceptance, and love as I journey. I’m excited for the future and what it may hold.

Perfection is…

Recently, I was going through my notes when I had my awakening and I found a poem I had written. I thought I would share it with you all:

Paradise

Eternity

Heaven

Perfection is…

When time starts running backwards and we all become like Benjamin Button, mature little kids.

When we learn how to dig ourselves out of our graves and breathe among the living again.

When we learn the secrets of the mind: how to fly, whisper across leagues to one another, transform the world magically to our will

Appreciate life just as it is by feeling pain as pleasure and defying the decay of time.

When we learn the secrets of speed and control in order to conquer the separation of space horizontally, vertically, and voluminously

When we begin to turn the 4 seasons back and forth according to our desires for humankind’s good.

When the oldest sacrifice themselves for the youngest just to be reborn again perfected as a beautiful monument to loyalty.

When we learn how to become 1 personality from the 9 to accomplish great things and then split back into 9, and then multiply into thousands from there.

When all tears are shed from happiness and we view them as sweet nector to be cherished rather than ashamed of.

When we see mountains as something to be conquered as an adventure rather than a formidable foe blocking our path to something better in life.

When we never feel restless or weary again. All the aches, scars, bitterness, etc. are just an ancient memory born away by divine ecstasy we currently feel.

When we learn the secrets of water walking by the use of balance, breathing, oils in our skin and most of all, faith.

When we work for the joy of creation and never tire nor waver in fulfilling our Holy passions.

When we learn to swim like dolphins and breathe like fish so that we can explore the depths of the mysterious oceans.

When we learn to only fear God, but realize his infinite love and perfect justice for us.